I can only think of my future, of everything that lies ahead of me, of the next few weeks... months... years.
Tonight. Tonight it feels like time is standing still. Like nothing can get done fast enough, like my heart is aching and yearning and struggling SO HARD for something more. I can feel it pounding out of my chest. It feels like it's on the verge of breaking. It feels fragile.
What I want, more than anything, is a vacation. I feel like that's the cliche thing people say when work gets stressful. They picture themselves on a beach with a beer and their significant other. It helps them get through the day.
That's not what I want. I want a REAL vacation. I want to sit by myself in the middle of a forest. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to explain myself to anyone, I don't want to own up to anything. I just want to be with myself.
Because I'm pretty fantastic. I really do enjoy my own company but lately I feel like me myself and I haven't been spending enough time together. I feel like there's a part of me that I don't know yet; a part that I haven't had the chance to discover yet. I think it's going to be the best part of me. Have you ever felt that way before?
Tonight. Tonight I'm sitting in the living room with the windows open and a gentle breeze blowing through. It's dark outside and the only thing lighting the room is the glow from my laptop. I feel like I can be honest. I can hear the cars on my busy street and my cat snoring one chair away. I can feel the soft blanket covering my bare legs and the calluses on my guitar playing fingers are rougher today than yesterday.
All of that is not ENOUGH for me. I want more. I want so much more.
I'm tired of being non-committal, I'm tired of playing games with other people's hearts, I'm tired of being scared.
I think that what I want more than anything is to fall in love.