Friday, August 21, 2009

Hide and Seek

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. 


I just had a discussion with my father about homosexuality. He walked in as I was watching a news story about the ELCA accepting gay clergy. He immediately flipped a huge shit and said he was going to leave the Lutheran church. We talked for a good 20 minutes about everything, ranging from gay marriage (I told him I support it, he said over his dead body) to sexual attraction vs emotional attraction.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to write. I don't even know how to put into words the emotions that my dad has put in my heart. 

I'm going to make a list of the things he said to me...
1. Gay marriage is not what God wanted
2. Homosexuality is a sin
3. Homosexuality is a DISEASE....
4. A same sex couple cannot effectively raise a child
5. He supports "homosexuality reparative therapy" and has heard "success stories"
6. Gayness is nurtured rather than nature
7. Women become lesbians due to inadequate emotional support from men

And a host of other things I'm too emotionally drained to write.


I don't know what to do. I'm so upset. If I were more independent I would say "fuck you" and move away but the fact of the matter is, I'm dependent on my parents right now to fund my education. 

My worst fear is that if I come out to my dad, he'll threaten to take away my school funds unless I participate in some sort of quick-fix therapy. I can't do that. I won't. I just... need to fast forward 3 years to when I'm finished with college and able to move very far away. I could come out at my college graduation, shouting "I'M GAY!" as I walk across the stage to receive my diploma. I could. 

I'm just scared. Really fucking scared. 

All I want is for my dad to say/write/whisper... imply this: 

Sorry for the huge downer.  I just had to write. I promise next time I'll be mildly funny. :)



  1. hrmm.. when i came out. it was horrible. I was 14 and i was told i had the "devil" in me. It was horrible, but thru the years my parents learned to accept me. :) Hang in there girl!

  2. That comment made my cry. Really. Thank you. No one has ever said anything like that to me before. Thank you a million times.

  3. Parents go through a 'process' as well when you tell them. They are just human, faulted as are we all, but most tend to come to the realization that the relationship with their child is more important than clinging to prejudice. I do understand waiting until you have financial independence. I have recommended the same course of action to my cousin...'cause this is so totally genetic (grandma was a mechanic, rode a motorcycle and cursed like a sailor...gee, wherever did I inherit this proclivity).

    This too shall pass and you will be stronger for it.

  4. Thank you, I really appreciate that. I haven't written about this (yet), but my parents are already going through a "process" with my sister after she converted from Christian to ISKON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness) and is engaged to a Hare Krishna. It's been a year and so far my dad has yet to acknowledge the engagement but he's on his way (I think).

    But, you know, I'd hate to steal all his anger and disappointment away from her and take it all for myself. That'd just be selfish ;)

    When the time is right, I'll be ready.

  5. I love the image you posted. Hang-in-there. It's not easy and I get the "hold on until I graduate" thing. I can't imagine what you are feeling. My parents aren't even religious and I was scared. They do seem to pull religious comments out of their ass when it benefits them though. It's true your parents are just human. It took me awhile to realize that because they always seemed larger than life. They love you. You are their own. It just takes time. -Kate

  6. Thanks Kate, I appreciate that. You must have had a lot of courage to come out to your parents... even thinking about it makes me almost pee myself. It's always good to get advice from someone who has been through the ropes so I'm really glad you commented.

    Cool blog by the way, I commented this morning :) Trimming the bush is a necessity, IMHO