Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Please Provide a Title and a Body

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well. I wrote this on a camping trip with the fam a couple years back. Make of it what you will. Don't judge me too harshly. I didn't finish the last sentence because I couldn't put my finger on what that feeling was. I never did figure it out. 

I never know where to start
My thoughts are jumbled, 
Like a puzzle destroyed one piece from completion
I know the sound of our car before it approaches
It rumbles, and I freeze
There are two people who understand
That being alone does not mean I am lonely,
That even when my body is still and close to you, my mind likes to dance
They know that I always come back
They aren't here
My family piles out of the car,
Looks at me, with an empty forest as my backdrop
They offer a worried glance and retreat
What they don't understand is that I'm happy
In first grade I knew exactly who I was
(I knew that I was not what anyone had expected)
A six year old with prominent undiagnosed ocd
And an embarrassingly accurate awareness of others' bodies and sexualities
I knew who I was (but I knew I didn't fit)
I lost her,
And for the last 10 years and the next 20 I will look for her
I try the beach
My mind doesn't know the way there
But my feet recognize the paths
My back feels the familiar patches of sunlight
I steer myself closer to her
It's dinner time and the beach is almost deserted
I sit on the cooling sand, 
Watching a 17 year old girl by the water dig herself a hole
She runs the sand over her legs and up her thighs
She is not smiling. She is hiding.
I brace myself because I've found a part of what I lost
I turn to face the water again, and the lake finds my toes
I like it here (I fit)
Between the waves,
Under the sun,
I feel...

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